It’s Weekend Writing Warriors time again. This is my submission, I offer another piece from my as-yet-untitled WIP. Orida has carried out her performance and attended the post concert reception. She has, to all intents and purpose, completed her mission. This is what happens next.
#8sunday July 12 , 2015 Scott’s Story 12
“It’s just as well we started early, there is a storm warning. We have 90 minutes to get you to the shuttle.”
They hurried down the broad passage to their waiting ground hop.
Their trip had been hasty, and surreal, as all of Orida’s sense of movement was focused on the two small beams of the land hop’s lights. The blank black of the desert night completely enfolded them, and only the sky was faintly alive with the pinpricks of light from distant galaxies.
Aurice guided her expertly through the interplanetary departure formalities, and once again, Orida was strapped in a seat in a small utilitarian craft.
This time, her pilot was a nervous young man, whose Adam’s apple bobbed alarmingly in his throat. He introduced himself, distractedly, as Tohn and started with his lift-off protocols. His mood was contagious, and Orida found herself gripping her seat compulsively as the small lander lifted off the tarcrete apron.
© Kim Magennis 2015 If you enjoyed reading this, please, let me know.Your comments or impressions are very welcome. Alternatively, click on the ‘like’ button below. To see what the other Weekend Writing Warriors have submitted, click on the link below.
Why do I get the feeling that our pilot knows more than he thinks he should? Or… that he doesn’t? (I love how his mood is ‘contagious’.)
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Your word choice really helps set the atmosphere. I like the names…and as mentioned earlier, the word “tarcrete” is outstanding! Nicely done, Kim. 🙂
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Terrific visualizations! LOL, I don’t like flying at all so this line “her pilot was a nervous young man” really reached into my core. Great tension.
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Thanks Chelle
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Not one relaxed moment in this snippet. High wire tension at every turn comes to no good ahead. Terrific snippet.
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Thank you Charmaine
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A nervous Nellie pilot is no way to travel! Very descriptive excerpt!
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Thank you Dani
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Now I’m left wondering why the pilot is so nervous, what does he know that we don’t…his mood certainly was contagious! Excellent excerpt in this highly intriguing story.
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Thank you Veronica. Now the story has to live up to they hype. I am trying to resist the temptation to rewrite before I have at least one complete version down.
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Great sense of foreboding. All the details add up to make a surreal, scary picture.
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Thank you Alexis. I as a reader like to ‘be in on the secret’, so I am glad that I managed to hint that all was not hunky dory!
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Love this line:
“The blank black of the desert night completely enfolded them, and only the sky was faintly alive with the pinpricks of light from distant galaxies.”
Nice job 🙂
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Thank you Ashley
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Nice description–spooky and beautiful. That nervous pilot would worry me, too. What’s he so scared of?
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Thank you Caitlin. I think one way to create tension is to use your fictional environment to create a very real threat.
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Great imagery! I would be a bit nervous, too.
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Thanks Karen, the Siroccos are not weathered by the careless or the hesitant!
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I loved how his nervousness translated itself into her. A nervous pilot is NEVER a good thing! LOL Hope the flight goes without incident, but somehow I doubt it., 🙂
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Unfortunately, Jenna, you have to be right! Where would the story be in her getting away?
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His agitation is contagious. Now I’m worried about the craft getting out of there too.
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That is the joy of being a good reader. I wonder how much people who don’t read a lot miss, because they don’t pick up on the subtle cues we writers leave them? Thank you Paula.
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“interplanetary departure formalities” — three words I would have never dreamed used together you fit together perfectly and made me smile in this snippet!! Love this, Kim, you showed us her emotions perfectly!
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Thank you Sara. I am delighted to have pleased! That is the joy of SF and FF, you take ordinary words and surprise people with them. Much appreciated.
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All that rushing heightens the suspense.
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Thanks Aurora. It does seem to build tension.
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I’m with Shan, not quite trusting Tohn. Just a feeling.
Nice snippet
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Poor Tohn, I suspect he was as much of a victim of machination as our heroine. Nice spot though!
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Great except, with a terrific attention to detail! Well done!
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Thanks Steven
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I’m hoping for a smooth getaway, but a nervous pilot is never a good sign. Love his nervous adam’s apple!
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Thanks Christina, I have had the delight of seeing one or two truly stupendously nervous adam’s apples in my life. They have left their mark ;-}
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Yes, it can be hard to look away from a truly prominent adams apple!
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There’s a certain irony in her having these very important missions, and then being shunted from one place to another like she’s just a package that needs delivering.
And something is telling me NOT to trust this Tohn fellow. Gotta be a reason he’s so nervous, and I’m guessing that it’s more than a fear of storms…
By the way, ‘tarcrete’ is a wonderful word. Just sayin’!
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Thanks Shan. It’s always a challenge to come up with the names SciFi products without having to write a book about each term. I always feel that the Reader also wants to know its not just a plain old runway/landing pad.
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I have the same challenge with my fantasies. I want it to be clear that my Tribed characters have a very different way of perceiving nearly everything than my more typically humanoid Untribed characters. It leads to many interesting wordforms (sunlength; tenbreathh, bloodpulse), because, like you, I don’t want towrite a whole book just to describe the lingo! =)
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I hope she makes it off planet, but I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve devised some complications for the poor lady.
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Ah Ed! Mr V! You are a fine one to talk! We all know that the characters we love we treat the most cruelly! You are right of course, there will be drama!
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