Greetings, Weekend Writing Warriors! These are the next sentences in my WIP about a boy who escapes from a medical facility in a time and place far from here. The details of his escape continue to unfold.
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He gathered his wits, and set off purposefully towards the busiest end of the walkway.
He slipped unnoticed into the throng of pedestrians and was shepherded, unchallenged, to the rail pod depot. Finding Smith’s boarding ticket in the huge jacket pocket had been sheer luck. As he swiped it over the rail pod reader, it glowed and the number of remaining trips lit up on its face – seventeen.
And so he had joined the bewildering crush of humanity that was the daily commute to the Outermost Rim. Until now, the boy’s only experience of his fellow Ring dwellers had been filtered through the clinical, flat screen of the viewer in the Facility lounge.
He felt strangely mislocated, as if he had stumbled onto a vast stage of life-like puppets, each guided by some mysterious purpose. Everyone was in on the story, except him. They had their lines, they were drawn on and off the stage by an invisible organising force. He alone was directionless, so, he allowed the ebb and flow of everyone else’s script to pull him along.
© Kim Magennis 2016
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Kim, another awesome story going on! Are you going to publish a collection of your short stories? I think you should. You have a unique perspective and an incredible way of putting what you see, what you think, what you dream up–onto a written page.
How many of us have watched commuters come and go–scurrying, and thought things like ants and worker bees? I LOVE your idea of the script. If any of us had been locked away and only fed images of the outside world via TV, how would we react to the real world?
See, you made me think. Best thing a writer can do. 🙂
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Thank you so much for the kind words , Teresa. I am so glad you are enjoying this. I am still finding my ‘voice’ so your words are very encouraging.
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Loved all of it, but especially this line: “he allowed the ebb and flow of everyone else’s script to pull him along.” You’ve got me right there with him, wondering what is to come.
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Thank you, Joyce
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I loved your description of the other people. I wonder why their like that.
Great snippet.
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Thanks Bonnie. Its how people on autopilot look to me, especially to and from the office.
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That last paragraph gave me shivers. I read it 3 times and liked it even more each time.
Tweeted.
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Thank you very much, Victoria.
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That was an excellent piece of writing right there. Very descriptive. I was going right along with him.
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Thank you, very much
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That last paragraph – I’m standing up and clapping – brava!
Tweeted.
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Thank you Daryl, that I very kind of you. Much appreciated
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Fabulous description. Very evocative. I’m looking forward to seeing his story unfold.
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Thank you, Tina
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After living in isolation he has a lot to get used to. No wonder he’s just drifting.
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You do such a great job of describing being caught in a crowd. It’s something you hardly notice when it’s going your way… and terrifying when you try to swim against the current!
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Oh! The imagery, and the way you describe that feeling! Fascinating (and that’s not a word I use lightly). Can’t wait for next week!
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Thank you, Shan!
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Thank you. I LOVED it!
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Drifting along – where will he be swept?
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It must be very strange for him to be out with the masses for the first time. Hope his inexperience doesn’t give him away. Good snippet, and I will look forward to reading more.
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Thank you Rachel
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Love that last paragraph especially. I feel pulled along, just as he is.
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I’m guessing he doesn’t get out much 🙂 Love the metaphor of parts in a play. Makes sense if all he’s seen of the world is through a screen, and also very perceptive of him.
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Thank you. Yes. He has spent a long time completely isolated. His only remembered interaction with the medics who treated him in the Facility.
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I’ve had moments like that, and your description hits that nail squarely. I love the sense of mystery you’ve created in these excerpts.
Marcia
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Thanks, Marcia!
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Fascinating tale thus far. Let’s see where the journey takes him.
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Indeed, Charmine. Every time I write a bit more I am surprised where his story goes. Tha b ks for always stopping by. Much appreciated!
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Very effective – the boy’s uncertainty and isolation amidst the multitude really comes across.
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Thank you, Peter. And thanks for dropping by, much appreciated.
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” the bewildering crush of humanity ” … Love that line! Great snippet!
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Thank you, Amy!
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I love your ending line, it sums it all up and ties it all together. Beautiful, beautiful work.
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Thank you Madeline, that is exceptionally kind of you to say so. Much appreciated!
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I love the way he goes from moving purposefully to being jostled and purposeless, like a feather on the wind by the end of the snippet. Loved the theatre references too! I can see him letting the crowd just take him and move him like a puppet. Great imagery!
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Thanks, Jenna!
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Great snippet…really puts the daily grind into perspective.
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Thank you, TM.
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The tone really hits this story. Good description of his disconnectedness.
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Thank you, Cara.
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Love this line, “He alone was directionless, so, he allowed the ebb and flow of everyone else’s script to pull him along.” It really makes the reader feel the “alone-ness” that many people experience. The feeling of being someplace and yet not really being a part of it is very evident. Well done.
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Thank you, Chelle! I think that describes a lot of people’s experience on one or other level in their lives.
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He’s about to experience so many new things. Great snippet!
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Thank you Jessica. Yes he is!
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I love the line about vast stage of life-like puppets. You’ve really managed to capture his mental state.
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Thank you, Ed. Blagdan has been in the audience so long he doesn’t know how to be ‘just like everyone else’.
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