Greetings, Weekend Writing Warriors! These are the next 10 sentences in my WIP about a boy who escapes from a medical facility in a time and place far from here. Blagdan falls asleep, and dreams. (I have included the last two sentences of last week’s post for continuity.)
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The Actor wore the dream like a cloak. Wrapped in its dark folds it was enthralled and appalled by the events playing out.
A small, dirty boy was crouched in the shell-battered remains of a large communal dwelling. The boy was afraid. He was hiding. Trying to be small like the ever-present scampering rodents, he breathed shallowly through parted lips.
His frail, hungry body stretched taught at the unmistakeable sound of a mechanical maneuvering the rubble strewn street. His body ran blistering hot, then freezing cold while he hovered there, ready for pointless flight.
You never got away from a mechanical.
Once you moved, you were as good as dead.
© Kim Magennis 2016
You can find the preceding text here.
Your comments or impressions are always very welcome. Please, drop me a word or two. Alternatively, please let me know you were here by clicking on the ‘like’ button below.
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© Kim Magennis 2016
You can find the preceding text here.
Your comments or impressions are always very welcome. Please, drop me a word or two. Alternatively, please let me know you were here by clicking on the ‘like’ button below.
Thanks for stopping by and please visit the other talented Weekend Writing Warriors. Click on the logo below to go to the website.
Incredible build-up here, from a more general sense of fear to nail-biting terror!
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Thank you Christina
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That’s terrifying! There has to be some way to get away, surely… though I wouldn’t expect a small child to be able to.
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Fabulous excerpt. You put me right in the scene, and I felt the child’s pain and fear.
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You sure know how to weave an intricate story, Kim. Fascinating in every way.
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Desperation and sheer terror! Poor kid. Great snippet!
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Thanks Dani
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Now, that is scary – being chased by an inexorable mechanical thing.
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🙂 <— Big smile. I so look forward to the mystery/adventure/thrill rides you take us on.
What the heck is a mchanical???? Can't be good…
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You have created a gripping and intense scene, as the boy hides and fears for his life. Great snippet.
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Captivating description! I could picture the boy huddled there, hiding from the “mechanical”. Great snippet.
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Awesome descriptive writing here! Loved it. You certainly put this reader on the edge of her seat!
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Thank you Evelyn!
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Very intense. Sounds like a desperate position to be in.
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Thank you. It is bad, yes.
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What a horrifying line – you never get away from a mechanical. Awesome line. Tweeted.
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Thank you and thank you Daryl. I think the most horrifying things are made worse when the lauguage used to paint them is clean and simple.
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You really create the scene here. Scary, sad and very real. You give the reader the impression they were there. Love it!
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Thank you Neva!
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Gripping and heartbreaking – fabulously written.
Tweeted.
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Thank you, twice Victoria
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I love the build up of tension here. Feels like something big is about to happen. You’ve definitely hooked me with these snippets. 🙂
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Thank you Jessica
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Wow, that was intense! I loved everything about it, and I want to know more!
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Thank you Amy!
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Uh oh. You do a good job of showing the hopelessness.
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Than you Cara
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So poignant. Heart wrenching, actually. You portrayed the hopelessness of the situation wonderfully. I want him to survive the mechanical!
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Thank you, Jenna
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Poor kid. I hope he gets away.
Great blurb! It makes me want to read more.
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Thanks Bonnie. The blurb is being made up as i go along. I have noe finished the first chapter, but still have no real ideal on where this story is going.
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Blistering hot and freezing cold. You really packed a punch with the descriptors on an emotional level Kim. Left me wondering — is he sick? Will he run anyway? Plus, my heart totally broke for him.
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Sara, you are too kind. Thank you for that. I was wanting my reader to feel him and for him. I am glad some of that worked.
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WOW Kim. You portrayed the hopelessness of the situation masterfully. Something tells me he will still try and escape. Great excerpt!!
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Thank you, Madeline! I hope the next snippet in this series surprises you 😉
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Gripping snippet…hopefully he beats the odds, and escapes the mechanical. Enjoyed the read!
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Thanks for the visit! And your encouragement. Much appreciated.
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Hot damn! Fabulous descriptions and tension building, Kim! I love it!
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From you, Steven, I count that high praise. Much appreciated!
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Brrr. Very effective – evokes the boy’s fears and his vivid awareness of everything around him.
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Thank you, Peter.
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I imagine this is the dream Blagdan is having, picturing himself as the small boy and the mechanical as perhaps orderlies at the place he just left behind?
“Trying to be small like the ever-present scampering rodents” Terrific visual.
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I have taken some artistic licence with this, Chelle. It is actually a memory, that has been repressed, resurfacing into his conscious stream…
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Sounds like the poor kid is in a difficult spot. I hope he gets away with the mechanical finding him.
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Tense and intense, and a little bit of backstory for us. I’m really into this story, quite captivated. Excellent excerpt.
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Thank you Veronica
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