Greetings, Weekend Writing Warriors! These are the last 9 sentences a little further along in Blagdan’s story. He escapes from the Medical Facility, which has been the only home he knows, and flees to the Outer Rim via railpod. He disembarks the next morning to discover more ruins and a small shanty settlement.
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He looked both ways down the dreary, cinder encrusted track. The right side curved back along the rail pod track, through the endless ruins. The left side veered away from the track into the decaying urban wilderness. Through the haze of the drizzle he could see the suggestion of mountains.
Without further hesitation, he headed down the left side of the track.
The mountains tugged at his senses, drawing him irresistibly along.
The rhythm of his steps crunching on the road echoed the gentle huff of his breaths. His mind was blank. All that existed was the endless movement of his legs and arms, and the taste of the air.
© Kim Magennis 2016
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“The rhythm of his steps crunching on the road echoed the gentle huff of his breaths.”
great imagery and use of the senses.
He seems to be on a mission which even he doesn’t understand, really pulls the reader along
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Thank you Chelle. Absolutely!
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I am wondering what is pulling at him…his mind is blank…relaxed, exhausted, or attuned? Great snippet!
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Thank you, Elizabeth. That is a very good question!
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Your descriptions are fabulous and create a vivid setting.
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Thank you very much, Elaine
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Ooh that’s very intriguing. His mind is blank yet he feels something pulling him toward the mountains. What is it? Something good, something bad? Will he be mentally prepared to meet whatever it is? Am enjoying the story for sure!
Marcia
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Thank you, Marcia. I am glad you are enjoying it.
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This urban landscape sounds so forbidding, I’d head for the hills too. Great description, as always!
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Thank you, Christina
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Hmm…my comment disappeared! Just wanted to say how much I enjoy your writing. You write so well.
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Damn, you write so well!
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You are so kind, Cara. Now I have to get some movement and dialogue going 😉
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Something is calling… makes me wonder if it’s the mountains, or some presence in them.
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Excellent question, as always, Caitlin
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Mountains have that effect on me too. It must be better than the depressing place he has been in. Great snippet as usual.
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I also find mountains very compelling, Rachel. And yes, anywhere would be better
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I wonder what’s pulling him forward. Memories? Something magical? The lure of tourism? (I’m not serious about that last one, although it’s what would drive me.)
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Laughing… Definitely low on tourist appeal…
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Lovely description. I like the idea that he’s drawn to the mountains, though I worry that his present blissful state might change.
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Thank you Elyzabeth. You got it in one. Sadly, reading about bliss is less entertaining than suffering with writer-abused characters.
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Head to the hills! But, is he on a good track?
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Very good question, Aurota!
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Sorry, Aurora! Early morning cell keypad finger troubles!
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Wow! Terrific detail and description, and the ominous tone just drips from every sentence — great job!
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Thank you, Steve. Now I must work on progressing the story 😜
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very descriptive. Hope he’s headed in the “right” direction.
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Thank you, Fallon. That is the question, isn’t it?
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Kim, you’re writing is superb. Descriptions take the reader right into the scene. And oh, what a scene. Beautiful.
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Thank you, Charmaine
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I’d probably head toward the mountains too. I hope he has some survival skills or a lot of luck. Excellent excerpt!
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Thank you, Veronica
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The mountains seem to offer hope- or at least a destination. Great visuals in this snippet.
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Hope and danger! Thank you, Alexis
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Fantastic use of the senses, Kim! I felt like I was right there with him.
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Thank you, much appreciated, Amy.
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What an incredibly depressing – not the right word – scene. Your writing sent me straight into that miserable place. Great job.
Tweeted.
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Thank you, Victoria. Maybe the word is oppressive?
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love the line – the mountains tugged at his sense – so perfect – they do don’t they. Tweeted.
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Thank you Daryl! That’s how I feel about them: they are energetically magnetic for me.
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So descriptive. I am there. Nicely done, Kim!
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Thank you, Dani.
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Interesting that the mountains and nature pulls him, even though he has known nothing like it before. I wonder if he’ll get there….and what he’ll find if he does. Great snippet!
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Thank you, Jenna. There is a lot about himself he does not know, and has forgotten!
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Sounds like he’s finally found freedom. Such a moving snippet. Well done!
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I really like your final sentence…” All that existed was the endless movement of his legs and arms, and the taste of the air.” Freedom. I feel his excitement.
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Thank you Gem. I am very glad you did! I agree. The freedom of no destination and no itinerary is the ultimate.
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